My Search for 8 Figures

A few years ago I attended an Internet Marketing event in Florida.

I love hanging out with cool, ambitious people and have found events like this are a good fishing spot for old & new friends. This is the rest of the story…

Walking the hallways on day-1, scanning the various topics and doing a little people watching, I came upon this intriguing sign…

8-Figure Domination!

How to Build an 8 Figure Business in 10 weeks!

guy_thumbs_up_branding_architect

Wow. Wonder what the hell that means?

I’ve been in business for a while, but never heard reference of a “Figure” business, before this Internet Marketing game got popular.

  • Go from 6 to 7 Figures.
  • Build a multiple 6 Figure business in your dorm room.
  • How to scale your 7 Figure business to a 10 Figure business.
  • Turn that 6 Figure frown upside down. 🙁 to 😉

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I’ve always looked at my business health in revenues & profits.

You know, numbers with plus and minuses and dollar symbols in various places across a spreadsheet. (looking for more pluses that minuses…)

Is that no longer cool?

I mean, there are figures in there.

But maybe “8 Figure Business Domination” is just cooler than saying:

10 Million Dollars in Top-line Revenue
with a 38% Margin Domination!

I think…

“How will they know if I cheat at being an 8 Figure Dominatator?”

“Do the numbers BEHIND the decimal point count?”

I could just have my bookkeeper carry out to the third digit…$10,701.239 That’s three extra figures in less than 5-minutes.

Ho Shit! Maybe I should teach a course…?

I dunno. I guess, I should go to the session and see what its all about.

Maybe it’s the hero-movie, action wording in the sign or, the edgy, dual exclamation point use that’s piqued my interest.

Maybe I’m just tired.

After all, these three-day, entrepreneurial events are exhausting.

With all the posing and posturing I’m gonna get wore out trying to look & talk successful like for the next three days.

All the while knowing I’ve got less than a few hundred bucks in my travel account left for the year.

These expensive events can squeeze a guy’s expense account down tighter than a hipster’s european cut pants.

Cashflow’s a Bitch when your business is in growth stage!

(I hope there’s a session for that…)

I checked into the hotel with a credit card that’s so sketchy, I broke out in a sweat when the check-in girl tried to run it.

“I’m sorry sir it’s been declined.”

Creditcardfire

Smiling, I dug for plastic that wouldn’t instantly bloom into flame when handed over.

“Hmm? I’ll,  uh… have to contact my secretary and see what’s going on with the bank. It’s probably because I’m charging so much away from home.” I stammered to save face…

“You know bankers, they’ll do that. Just trying to protect all those stacks of cash I have – you know, they keep it safe in a vault for me. It’s a piggy bank locked inside a big steel room.”

PiggyBank

A group of ambitious, young wantrepreneurs stood impatiently behind me – faces glued to smartphones.

Probably checking the orders piling in and worrying how they’re going to scale a 6 Figure business later in the day.

I shouldn’t have used the word secretary. That’s soooo old school. They’re Assistants, or Virtual Assistants or VAs or some such new title.

Shit, I’ve not even met half my staff. They’re ghosts in the machine.

ghost

Much like the revenue references, it seems the vernacular for all kinds of other common business terms has changed.

Not the definition behind it, but the words.

Maybe this new lingo is an important part to becoming an 8 Figure Dominator?

Closing a Sale is now Conversions, Advertising is Lead Gen, Sales Flow is Funnel, Customer Profile is Avatar. (Not the movie – unless your customer is a blue, eight foot jungle elf – then it’s an Avatar, Avatar.)

You’d think they’d come up with a new word for entrepreneur? It’s so hard to spell.

And it’s hard to pronounce. One time, at a dinner party, I was asked what I do for a living.

With a mouthful of noodles I responded, “Onrapranooah.”

I’m gonna come up with a new one that’s easy & short.

How bout Baller? Or Bidnizzler? Interpooper?

Those are good right?

I can spell those.

At this conference I screwed up in conversation and said that I own some small businesses.

Gawd how embarrassing. I shoulda said “entruhpraanuur.”

I take a seat and make notes about those thoughts in the margins of my notepad.

You may not recognize my note-taking device at this show.

It’s a stack of long, yellow paper glued at the top. They used to be called legal pads. But,  with all the new terms rolling out, I’m gonna call it a IdeaBlaster.  I sketch out a logo idea.

A young entrepreneuron looks up from her Ipad to give me a sad, “Oh you-poor-old-man”, look when she saw me sketching on my out-of-fashion, notepad. (Little did she know I was drawing dick elephants.)

I mean, I do love technology – Love it!

But ‘fer frig sake there’s gotta be a line.

If I had all the money I’ve spent on devices over the year, I could build that dream home on the ocean that keeps eluding me.

I have systems to manage my systems. And what’s with the names? Slack, Nozbe, Basecamp, Wrike, Trello, Jinx, Trax. They sound like nicknames in an Army movie.

“Aight Boys! Listen up! We need to take Project Hill. Wrike you take Slack and Nozbe and flank ‘em. Me, Trello and Jinx will shove up the middle. Basecamp, you stay here and keep track of shit.”

Idontalwaysusetechnology

“Meh.” Maybe not.

Let her judge me and my “IdeaBlaster 3000”. (Yes, I upgraded and added the logo to the cover.)

I like my old notebook and the way a pen feels scratching across paper when I draw doodles.

When I’m done, I snap a shot with phone and text it to my secre… I mean… Assistant to digitize. Like a Bosssss! He knows to overlook the dirty stuff and just translate the ideas.

So back to me becoming the next 8 Figure Dominatrix.

The room is packed. Seems like having 8 Figures is popular. Music is pumping. That’s good. We’re all so energetic and bustling around like chickens to find a seat.

Entreprechickens?

Why am I so excited about a lecture? I mean c’mon – didn’t lectures bore the shit outta me in school? And those were free, usually taught by a 25 year-old, single female. And I still skipped every chance I got.

Here I am shelling out 7 figures to learn how I can dominate 8.

Maybe it’s the shots I took in the hotel bar before I came in?

No, it’s our collective desire to make it, to be rich. To be 8 Figure Dominoes.

I picked a seat by the aisle, near the back half.

I’m not a front-row-of-the-class, kinda guy.

Didn’t you always want to choke the shit out’ta that guy? The one who always sat in the front row? Asking a question after every statement the teacher made?

I choose this seat so I can jet out and not draw attention. The speaker may suck.

Or… I may learn that I CAN use three figures behind the decimal point. In that case – BOOM! 8 Figure Dominion is mine and I don’t need no more schoolin’.

It’s a bonus session. There’s like four guys on stage. Seated in chairs so it must be long.

Three are in suits. And one is in a ratty t-shirt and flippity flops. He must be retired already.

Just givin’ up some a that immense knowledge to help us little guys. You know, giving back.

I’m being hypocritical of course. Aside from the toeless shoe attire, I’m dressed the same. He looks better in his outfit for some reason. Maybe it’s the multi-figured confidence?

They’ve just barely begun and I’m already confused. I’m hoping they’ll tell us the specifics about their success.

You know, what companies they built – product brands they sold.

But no.

John there made eight figures in his last business.

Mark here made ten figures.

And Kaleb currently has a ten figure launch.

No mention of companies or brands I can google. Their websites are a bit vague.

It’s really compelling copy.  And there are a lot of well known media logos.

As seen on MSNBC, CNN, Huffington Post… So they must be legit. Right?

asseenontv

Each one takes their turn.

Apparently, I’ve been doing it all wrong according to their methods.

And they are very good at pointing out the pain that my wrongness has caused.

Man! If I don’t get this eight figure thing dominated I’m apparently screwed.

But wait! There IS a way.

“Now we get down to the real meat.” I whisper to the bun wearing mogul next to me.

I won’t bore you with all the details. I’ve provided my notes here that you can use to summarize.

click to view bigness
click to view bigness

This session has really opened my eyes. And I can’t wait to get home and sign-up for all their information products.

Because, apparently they hold the FINAL key to me eventually dominating those frustrating last few figures…

I now see their 8 Figure Domination business model. Well played sirs. Well played.

The next time you see me, I should be an 8 Figure Dominatron!!!

The End.

— Robo is the product brand strategist behind GameStop online, XM Satellite Radio, Sony Handi-cam and a few others. Why did he abandoned the corporate game? “The world needs great products. Our ability to get products made and our direct access to consumers, means it’s time to bring these products to market.” He can be reached through JZ, his executive assistant at robo@brandingarchitect.com

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